KISS me

I really do love shit to be difficult. I do not get much satisfaction out of overcoming easy obstacles. This is not always the most admirable approach to life; though for so long I thought it was. You can give me two paths that lead to the same destination and I will generally take the one that is full of boulders, wasps nests, and rattlesnakes over the gentle and nicely groomed one. Maybe this is because I know there will be less humans on the gnarly path and I will have a quieter journey to be alone with all of the noise in my head.  Or maybe it is the recovering Catholic in me that still yearns for self deprecation and abuse.  I often find myself getting annoyed when I am running on the trails somewhere and I am in the vicinity of a group of runners or hikers shouting to one another at the top of their lungs as if they are afraid of what the quiet will bring. They relish what they refer to as their “outdoor voices”.  I see their outdoor voices as a mechanism to block out the inner voices that scare the shit out of them; like a night light for those afraid of the dark.    I do not often run or hike with other humans but when I do it is with a close friend who understands that we do not have to incessantly chatter to appreciate one another’s company as communication takes place in so many ways other than verbal.  That being said,  I have started to understand the importance of muting the chatter in my own mind, the incessant talking that forms the background noise in my head.  I have finally found something difficult that I have chosen to avoid for so long and that is the act of slowing down the dialogue that occurs within myself almost nonstop.  I have grown so accustomed to this noise that I thought it was normal.  I thought that a mind that was always on was to be admired; however, after all of these years I am seeing that it is more akin to a runaway rollercoaster with explosives in the front car.  You know that it is not going to end well and you want to jump off but there does not every seem to be a good time to take the leap to safety.  So, you just :white knuckle it and hope for the best.  I know the voice in my head and we have had a relationship for as long as I can remember.  It does not like to be shut out as it has always had center stage.  Unfortunately, this voice has not always had my best interests in mind and oftentimes it has made me reactive and combative with the subtle and baseless storylines constantly streaming into my cerebral studio.   I have had a blind faith in the things that this voice has repetitively droned on about for so long because I felt that it was innate and therefore essential to my well being.  Come to find out, I have been misled.  It feels like I have been in solitary confinement for decades and suddenly the door is thrown open and I am seeing daylight for the first time.  It is both very painful and very uplifting at the same time”.  It hurts to come to the realization that you have missed out on so much joy because your “best friend” has locked you away in a dark hole for years so that you would not experience something better and leave them behind.  You have hurt others in your life because there was no way they knew something that your partner in crime didn’t.  If anyone told me anything to the contrary of what my internal confidante was preaching, then it must be false, and they must have a hidden agenda to sabotage me.  Alarms sound and defenses go up so as to repel the intruders trying to get close and make me perceive myself to be any different than the portrait painted by my own mind.  I recently read a quote which deeply resonated with me and this idea of self sabotage.  It said that “the greatest sources of our suffering are the lies that we tell ourselves”.  I think I read this back to myself about ten times, each time louder and with more emphasis; almost as a challenge to my internal orator that was suddenly feeling a bit threatened in a position that it has held a firm tenure for so very long.  Yes, at some point everyone must learn to adapt with the demands of self preservation or be put out of commission altogether.

I am finally trying something difficult that I have not wanted to do for so long and this is to learn to love myself and fight for myself.  I never had a problem jumping in front of a bullet for a friend but this has often been a result of not feeling any need for self preservation.  If a fire was burning down a structure that I was working on renovating I would not hesitate to turn myself into ashes to try and preserve it even though such an act would be forgotten in a years time, or less.   What I am finally realizing is that for years I have thrown my heart to others leaving none for myself because I felt it was wasted on me.  The end result is isolation and confusion wondering why your heart is no good.  Nobody wants it.  It is like a hot potato.  This always led to further misery and self loathing.  What is wrong with my love?  Well, a little birdy came along recently and tweeted into my ear a simple secret. Gregory, until you respect and love yourself your heart will always be questionable currency and rejected.  Honestly, being by myself scares the shit out of me and this is because I have made things so difficult.  I have seen a shimmering glow that has revealed a little secret to me.  I need to  “Keep it simple stupid”!!!   Break out the bellows and blow on the fire internal so that others will gather round and desire your warmth.  If you are a cold and dark body people will stray away in search of warmth.

I will keep it simple and breath for now…

Symbiosis

 Balance and moderation are two things that I often find myself at odds with.  I have never truly found myself near the middle of the intensity spectrum.  I always seem to live closer to the extremes, either guns blazing or sedated and tuned out.  If I find something that grabs me I put all of my energy into it and if I am at odds with something I shut it out.  When you approach life like this is does not leave much energy for anything in between and you miss out on quite a bit that may not be super spectacular but that do have wonderful merits that can enrich your daily existence and provide contentment.  In addition, when you are going full throttle there is no time to stop and be present; and, when you are sedated and in hibernation the world passes you by.  

One of the things that I have been trying very hard to focus on lately is achieving more balance and moderation.  My body is good at reminding me that I cannot go full throttle anymore and that if I am to achieve the running and fitness goals that I desire I need to be mindful of what my body is telling me.  If that means taking days off to allow proper recovery so that I can have more qualitative runs, then I need to acknowledge this and not be bullish and run a bunch of junk miles just to see an X on the calendar.  Recovery does not mean sitting on your ass eating nachos.  Recovery done right means paying attention to the needs of your physical and mental needs in such a way that you come back to the next run a little bit stronger.  For me this usually means a good amount of rolling, range of motion exercises, strength work, meditation, and making sure that what I eat, and drink is going to have a positive effect on muscle growth and recovery.

There are also those days where I struggle more with my depression.  This makes it extremely difficult to get motivated.  Sometimes running helps and sometimes I just need to take time to truly look inside myself and recognize what it is that is bothering me.  What is causing this sadness, anxiety, anger, or feeling of worry?  There are days when it is more important that I address these things than to try and shove them into a box and act like they will magically disappear.  Trust me, they never disappear; and, the next time you open that box to peek inside they spring out like a jack in the box and knock you on your ass.   These feelings never get easier to deal with by ignoring them with diversion.  They only intensify. You have to face them and give them the attention that they crave, address their origin, and figure out how to calm their negative energy and transform it into a source of positive energy that you can use to your benefit; and, much to the benefit of all of those in your life that are so affected by your imbalances.  Nobody else is going to deal with your box of shit.  It will always be waiting for you in that dark corner that you stuffed it in until you trip over it again.  As a runner I can tell you that I do not like tripping on shit because it can cause me to pull something and have to take even more time off from the trails, so it is best to clear the path of shit before it gets really hard to navigate around.  

There is no doubt that keeping things balanced is no easy task.  We often overdo the things that make us feel good and ignore the really difficult and mundane but necessary things.  The funny thing is that when we finally buckle down and tackle the mundane but necessary things it feels really good and makes us lighter and freer to do the things that we really love.  It is like strapping that box of foul shit on your back and trying to act like it isn’t there while trudging along wondering why everything you do is a little more difficult and a little less enjoyable.  Maybe it is because you feel something jabbing into your shoulder blades.  Maybe it is because you are breathing heavier and having to exert more energy.  Maybe it is because something really stinks and you cannot figure out what it is. If you just stop and deal with that box of shit,  when you get back to moving forward again life feels much less arduous and you can breath again because it doesn’t stink anymore.  So much of the time when I am carrying unnecessary pain around I find that I am barely breathing.  My body and mind are so tied up in knots that I am just one big conflicted mess.  I have to stop and recognize what is happening otherwise the knots just get tighter.  It is much easier to undo a knot when it first starts forming than after time has passed and made it tighter and tighter.  You know this to be true if you have ever ignored a knot in your shoelaces.  Over time it gets so burdensome that you just pry your shoes off without even addressing the knot or grab the scissors.  

I am very aware now when I am running unburdened versus when I am running to divert myself from dealing with my internal pain.  If I tracked my heart rate on my runs I would most likely find that it is much higher and my effort much greater when I have not released myself of this internal suffering before running.  When I first address the burden that I am dragging around and then go run I feel much more balanced and it does not take all of my energy to power through what should generally by a more calm and relaxed effort.  It is when I listen to my heart and address its needs that I can truly run free and coexist as a source of energy rather than a constant consumer of others.

Stoking the embers

If January has been any sort of indicator as to where things are headed I am hopeful. Though the month did not begin with much of an optimistic air things have shifted dramatically thanks in large part to my encounter with a very dark corner of my pain cave followed by my desperate realization that a change in my approach to daily life was no longer an option. For so long I have set booby traps for myself that have effectively gone off anytime things started to look positive for me. If things were looking brighter I would set off smoke bombs to dim the lights and cloud my vision. If I was forming a positive relationship with someone I would trigger incendiary devices that would keep them from getting too close. I have reached a point where I know that I do not want this type of painful existence anymore. It has been with the help of a most powerful book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, that I have truly begun to find myself. This book could not have come into my life soon enough. I only wish that I had found it sooner; but, no more regrets, only gratitude. I will not elaborate on this book too much here but I will say that I recommend that everyone read it. It revealed to me so many ways in which I was not allowing myself the joy that all of us deserve. A month that began dark and bleak has ended with a feeling of clarity that I cannot remember feeling in quite some time.

My running this month has been more solid than at any time since before my ankle surgery.  January started with me using my running to distract myself from the pain I was feeling inside but I now feel myself running to get in touch with the fire that has begun to burn in my heart.  Part of why I have always loved running is the freedom of being able to go long distances with nothing other than your own two feet, unencumbered by the “stuff” that tends to weigh us down on a daily basis.  Now that I have begun a practice of staying present and only focusing on what life is asking me to deal with at the moment, running just makes sense because when I run I am naturally present already.  One of the most pivotal ideas that was introduced to me by Tolle’s book was the idea that many of the problems that we think we have are really not problems at all.  They are either things stuck in our thinking from our past pain or our future worry.  Either way, if we really focus on the now and ask ourselves what problem we are dealing with “right now”, most times the answer is that we do not  really have a problem “right now”.  When I find myself in a state of negativity or worry now I find it most helpful to right the ship by asking myself what real problems exist before me, if any.  Upon the realization that things are okay a sense of calm and clarity is almost immediate as the negativity and worry fades into the background noise.  I think part of the reason I have always loved nature and animals is that they are perfect examples of the beauty of the present.  Tolle points out that animals always live in the now.  Nature exists in the now.  Things exist as they are right now.  This is why animals and nature are so beautiful because when we truly tap into them we automatically feel the light and the joy that are so apparent as a result of this state of being always present.  It is truly a gift that, in itself, should make us all savor the miracle that it is to be alive.  

When I really focus on the smell of sage and pine, or the sound of crackling ice underfoot, or the glow of the moon from behind the clouds, or the taste of salt in my mouth from the beads of sweat rolling down my cheeks I am ever present as I run across the landscape that mother nature has placed before me to enjoy.  This is life.  Nothing additional is necessary.  This is all that is needed.  This is love.  To be floating lightly  along like a cork on the ocean surrendering yourself and accepting what life is giving to you.  This is the way that I am choosing.    I am putting down the baggage that I have carried for so long and freeing up my arms to receive what life wishes to give to me.  I can already feel my fire burning brighter as I pull the dark curtains aside and let the oxygen in.