KISS me

I really do love shit to be difficult. I do not get much satisfaction out of overcoming easy obstacles. This is not always the most admirable approach to life; though for so long I thought it was. You can give me two paths that lead to the same destination and I will generally take the one that is full of boulders, wasps nests, and rattlesnakes over the gentle and nicely groomed one. Maybe this is because I know there will be less humans on the gnarly path and I will have a quieter journey to be alone with all of the noise in my head.  Or maybe it is the recovering Catholic in me that still yearns for self deprecation and abuse.  I often find myself getting annoyed when I am running on the trails somewhere and I am in the vicinity of a group of runners or hikers shouting to one another at the top of their lungs as if they are afraid of what the quiet will bring. They relish what they refer to as their “outdoor voices”.  I see their outdoor voices as a mechanism to block out the inner voices that scare the shit out of them; like a night light for those afraid of the dark.    I do not often run or hike with other humans but when I do it is with a close friend who understands that we do not have to incessantly chatter to appreciate one another’s company as communication takes place in so many ways other than verbal.  That being said,  I have started to understand the importance of muting the chatter in my own mind, the incessant talking that forms the background noise in my head.  I have finally found something difficult that I have chosen to avoid for so long and that is the act of slowing down the dialogue that occurs within myself almost nonstop.  I have grown so accustomed to this noise that I thought it was normal.  I thought that a mind that was always on was to be admired; however, after all of these years I am seeing that it is more akin to a runaway rollercoaster with explosives in the front car.  You know that it is not going to end well and you want to jump off but there does not every seem to be a good time to take the leap to safety.  So, you just :white knuckle it and hope for the best.  I know the voice in my head and we have had a relationship for as long as I can remember.  It does not like to be shut out as it has always had center stage.  Unfortunately, this voice has not always had my best interests in mind and oftentimes it has made me reactive and combative with the subtle and baseless storylines constantly streaming into my cerebral studio.   I have had a blind faith in the things that this voice has repetitively droned on about for so long because I felt that it was innate and therefore essential to my well being.  Come to find out, I have been misled.  It feels like I have been in solitary confinement for decades and suddenly the door is thrown open and I am seeing daylight for the first time.  It is both very painful and very uplifting at the same time”.  It hurts to come to the realization that you have missed out on so much joy because your “best friend” has locked you away in a dark hole for years so that you would not experience something better and leave them behind.  You have hurt others in your life because there was no way they knew something that your partner in crime didn’t.  If anyone told me anything to the contrary of what my internal confidante was preaching, then it must be false, and they must have a hidden agenda to sabotage me.  Alarms sound and defenses go up so as to repel the intruders trying to get close and make me perceive myself to be any different than the portrait painted by my own mind.  I recently read a quote which deeply resonated with me and this idea of self sabotage.  It said that “the greatest sources of our suffering are the lies that we tell ourselves”.  I think I read this back to myself about ten times, each time louder and with more emphasis; almost as a challenge to my internal orator that was suddenly feeling a bit threatened in a position that it has held a firm tenure for so very long.  Yes, at some point everyone must learn to adapt with the demands of self preservation or be put out of commission altogether.

I am finally trying something difficult that I have not wanted to do for so long and this is to learn to love myself and fight for myself.  I never had a problem jumping in front of a bullet for a friend but this has often been a result of not feeling any need for self preservation.  If a fire was burning down a structure that I was working on renovating I would not hesitate to turn myself into ashes to try and preserve it even though such an act would be forgotten in a years time, or less.   What I am finally realizing is that for years I have thrown my heart to others leaving none for myself because I felt it was wasted on me.  The end result is isolation and confusion wondering why your heart is no good.  Nobody wants it.  It is like a hot potato.  This always led to further misery and self loathing.  What is wrong with my love?  Well, a little birdy came along recently and tweeted into my ear a simple secret. Gregory, until you respect and love yourself your heart will always be questionable currency and rejected.  Honestly, being by myself scares the shit out of me and this is because I have made things so difficult.  I have seen a shimmering glow that has revealed a little secret to me.  I need to  “Keep it simple stupid”!!!   Break out the bellows and blow on the fire internal so that others will gather round and desire your warmth.  If you are a cold and dark body people will stray away in search of warmth.

I will keep it simple and breath for now…

Symbiosis

 Balance and moderation are two things that I often find myself at odds with.  I have never truly found myself near the middle of the intensity spectrum.  I always seem to live closer to the extremes, either guns blazing or sedated and tuned out.  If I find something that grabs me I put all of my energy into it and if I am at odds with something I shut it out.  When you approach life like this is does not leave much energy for anything in between and you miss out on quite a bit that may not be super spectacular but that do have wonderful merits that can enrich your daily existence and provide contentment.  In addition, when you are going full throttle there is no time to stop and be present; and, when you are sedated and in hibernation the world passes you by.  

One of the things that I have been trying very hard to focus on lately is achieving more balance and moderation.  My body is good at reminding me that I cannot go full throttle anymore and that if I am to achieve the running and fitness goals that I desire I need to be mindful of what my body is telling me.  If that means taking days off to allow proper recovery so that I can have more qualitative runs, then I need to acknowledge this and not be bullish and run a bunch of junk miles just to see an X on the calendar.  Recovery does not mean sitting on your ass eating nachos.  Recovery done right means paying attention to the needs of your physical and mental needs in such a way that you come back to the next run a little bit stronger.  For me this usually means a good amount of rolling, range of motion exercises, strength work, meditation, and making sure that what I eat, and drink is going to have a positive effect on muscle growth and recovery.

There are also those days where I struggle more with my depression.  This makes it extremely difficult to get motivated.  Sometimes running helps and sometimes I just need to take time to truly look inside myself and recognize what it is that is bothering me.  What is causing this sadness, anxiety, anger, or feeling of worry?  There are days when it is more important that I address these things than to try and shove them into a box and act like they will magically disappear.  Trust me, they never disappear; and, the next time you open that box to peek inside they spring out like a jack in the box and knock you on your ass.   These feelings never get easier to deal with by ignoring them with diversion.  They only intensify. You have to face them and give them the attention that they crave, address their origin, and figure out how to calm their negative energy and transform it into a source of positive energy that you can use to your benefit; and, much to the benefit of all of those in your life that are so affected by your imbalances.  Nobody else is going to deal with your box of shit.  It will always be waiting for you in that dark corner that you stuffed it in until you trip over it again.  As a runner I can tell you that I do not like tripping on shit because it can cause me to pull something and have to take even more time off from the trails, so it is best to clear the path of shit before it gets really hard to navigate around.  

There is no doubt that keeping things balanced is no easy task.  We often overdo the things that make us feel good and ignore the really difficult and mundane but necessary things.  The funny thing is that when we finally buckle down and tackle the mundane but necessary things it feels really good and makes us lighter and freer to do the things that we really love.  It is like strapping that box of foul shit on your back and trying to act like it isn’t there while trudging along wondering why everything you do is a little more difficult and a little less enjoyable.  Maybe it is because you feel something jabbing into your shoulder blades.  Maybe it is because you are breathing heavier and having to exert more energy.  Maybe it is because something really stinks and you cannot figure out what it is. If you just stop and deal with that box of shit,  when you get back to moving forward again life feels much less arduous and you can breath again because it doesn’t stink anymore.  So much of the time when I am carrying unnecessary pain around I find that I am barely breathing.  My body and mind are so tied up in knots that I am just one big conflicted mess.  I have to stop and recognize what is happening otherwise the knots just get tighter.  It is much easier to undo a knot when it first starts forming than after time has passed and made it tighter and tighter.  You know this to be true if you have ever ignored a knot in your shoelaces.  Over time it gets so burdensome that you just pry your shoes off without even addressing the knot or grab the scissors.  

I am very aware now when I am running unburdened versus when I am running to divert myself from dealing with my internal pain.  If I tracked my heart rate on my runs I would most likely find that it is much higher and my effort much greater when I have not released myself of this internal suffering before running.  When I first address the burden that I am dragging around and then go run I feel much more balanced and it does not take all of my energy to power through what should generally by a more calm and relaxed effort.  It is when I listen to my heart and address its needs that I can truly run free and coexist as a source of energy rather than a constant consumer of others.

Searching

(This was written in December of 2019; however, it could have been written in December of 2020)

I need to preface what is to come my saying that I am very grateful for modern medicine and surgical techniques. To be able to be in and out of the hospital within a few hours for ankle surgery is pretty darn incredible. I guess what I was not really prepared for was the recovery time that has followed, even though all in all that has been relatively short and of course I knew that there would be some down time. Surgery was on May 15th, 2019 and the last month and a half has seemed like eternity. I don’t recall ever being so locked down and sedentary at any time in my life. I am not much of a couch potato and have trouble sitting through a movie over 2 hours long. So the first two weeks of being non weight bearing was a new experience for me. The pain was certainly not that bad after the first week. The surgery involved them going in arthroscopically with insertion points on the top right and left of the top of the ankle bone and cleaning up the mess that was there and stimulating the area of the bone where the cartilage had been compromised and then inserting some new cartilage.
Everything went as expected; however, the doctor did say that given the nature of the damage and with my line of work and my passion for spending hours on end on the trails he gives me another five years or so before I will have to get full ankle replacement surgery. The hope is that I can keep that as far into the future as possible but I won’t say that I am going to stop working or running as they go hand in hand. The last few weeks have truly underscored how running is an integral part of who I am and how I cope with the world. Unlike other forms of exercise trail running gives me an escape. It allows me to detach myself from the things that annoy me on a daily basis and be alone with my thoughts in such a way that I can come to terms with what I am feeling and temper the anxiety and depression. I really did not understand how therapeutic running has been until I once again began to feel victim to the smothering weight of my headspace over the course of the last month. Having lots of time to think is great as long as you have the tools to work with your thoughts in a constructive manner. This time on my ass has given me lots of time to lose myself in other passions that I have been neglecting such as math and physics. I have had time to reunite with subject matter that I have always found stimulating and that I truly enjoy but do not always get to expose myself to with the regular routine of life when going about my normal schedule with work and running all of the time. This time has given me much needed perspective in the importance of balance in life and striving to incorporate those few things that you are really passionate about in life in such a way that one or two do not block out the others creating voids..
But here lie in wait the demons just looking for that opportunity to ambush and reveal my obsessive and self deprecating personality. Immersing myself back into subject matter that I find stimulating, such as math, I am quickly reminded of how rusty I have become with the books collecting dust on the shelves over the years. With this realization comes that voice in my head that says I am a buffoon because I forgot how to do multivariable calculus or simple linear algebra problems. Then the depression soon follows with the what ifs. What if I had only continued on to get my masters or Ph.D., maybe things would have been different and I would have found true fulfillment in academia instead of what I find myself doing today.
The best I can explain it is to imagine you are in a tunnel that continues to get smaller and darker as you move along. No, you cannot turn around and go back out the way you came in because your dark thoughts keep shoving you forward into the stifling dark cave that is your mind. Trying to throw logic or reason at it does no good because any attempts are rejected by the surrounding impenetrable shield of dark thoughts. It is scary what comes to mind when I find myself in this dark tunnel.
Running gives me the tools to continually flush out the bad thoughts and keep the tunnel clear so that is does not confine me in a stagnant feeling of helplessness and despair. It gives me a renewed sense of hope and strength that helps to balance what life has to throw at me. I cannot begin to explain why I am wired the way that I am. I have so much to live for.  I am surrounded by wonderful furry creatures that provide joy regardless of how bad the day has been. I have a roof over my head and money to buy food and so many other things that we often take for granted that so many do without on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the way my brain chemistry works, the dark voices in my head are always there to remind me that I do not deserve any of these things. I know that what they say is toxic bullshit. I know that I have compassion and that I have the ability to be a good person and to be empathetic and caring. Why it is such an uphill battle to give myself some love has always been a mystery to me. This is why I have always chosen paths in life that seem to be the most difficult and unattainable. I am not afraid of failure because I expect myself to fail. I want to try things that will prove to myself that I am worth something if I do manage to overcome. When I got straight A’s growing up it was never enough, I was still a failure. When I was a Boy Scout I worked to attain Eagle Scout but that wasn’t enough. When I got my choices of college admissions back I easily chose West Point figuring that this would finally make my father proud of me. It did for a short time until I decided that I wanted to be a US Marine instead. At that point I lost him forever, but for a short time found for myself some self worth. That is until I found drugs and alcohol. When I finally found my way back to the classroom I chose physics as a major as I perceived this to be the true test of my merit. When I put running shoes back on I couldn’t stop at the marathon distance, I had to shoot for running as long and hard as I could. The point that I am trying to make is that I am always searching for something that will prove myself to myself. I am not sure at this point that my search will ever end…

I have always been one to be easily disturbed by disorder and inhumanity in the world. It bothers me to see us all treat each other so bad. It bothers me that so many have so little. It bothers me that others tell me that these things shouldn’t bother me or that I shouldn’t get so wrapped up in all of the disorder that I cannot do anything about even though this is probably true. I am bothered. When I grind over miles of mother nature I am able to quiet the noise and come to terms with the disorder and make myself just a little bit uncomfortable and try to empathize with the millions of others who are living lives of constant discomfort and struggle. When I am one with nature it is pure. I am not a disappointment. I just have to be present. This is her only request. Be present. Don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow, just be present. Don’t be concerned with those people or things that you cannot change but have enough fortitude to move forward and make efforts count where you can. Immerse yourself in my bounty of natural wonders and forget the rest. She tells me that she will always be there for me even when it feels like no one else is. All I have to do is set my feet down into the earth and be present. I don’t have to destroy myself to look for some sign of life or substance. I am never too complex for her. Never a let down. I just have to show up and follow her lead.

The healing has to come from within. There is no magic pill. No amount of reassurance from others will end the search. I have to come to terms with myself one way or another and be content and at peace with my small presence in this universe. The closest that can I come to this sense of peace and contentment is when I am out dampening the trails with my sweat. I find it when I am bringing myself to a point of extreme physical exhaustion and discomfort. Maybe it’s my way of atonement to satisfy my Catholic upbringing. Whatever it is, it works. The physical discomfort and mental methods required to get through a hundred mile trail run seem to sedate the dark voices and keep them tucked away for a time. There is something basic and beautiful about trail running where I am alone with nature overcoming the physical elements that she has in store for me and in return she shares with me all of the raw beauty that she has to offer. When you are witness to this kind of beauty you do not feel want for anything else, things are good. I feel the same way with the language of mathematics. There is no deception or judgement. There may be a failure to understand but that is not due to deception, it just takes a bit more effort to uncover the beauty that has always been there for all of time. I think Bono explains the feeling best in his lyrics for “Where the Streets Have No Name” I do hope that I will run again soon and I will be okay with the world again.

Most of the time it is best to stay present and not meander back into the past. I will admit that I have a tendency to do just this. I think it may be because my journey was taken so haphazardly through the past that I left many things unfinished and in doing so it left many unanswered questions in its wake. These questions do not seem to go away, but it is pointless to give them any consideration because they are questions that can never be answered.  Having a question that does not have an answer can be one of the most frustrating things that we as thinking beings face in life I feel.
The energy found in nature cannot be duplicated in a gym setting. The colors and other stimuli that I receive when I am out running on the trails are nowhere to be found in the stale and stagnant air of any gym. Trying to get some essence of a workout to calm my need for running in nature is almost as depressing as not working out at all.

It could have been worse, but it could have been a whole lot better also. Let me wallow for a while. So many times I feel that I am not strong enough to carry on. It is an act of forward momentum that I find myself throwing myself ahead to see how I measure up. So many I interact tell me that I am not seeing what others see. I am so grateful for such comments but I am and always will be the critical voice that I find necessary to measure up to. I get tired but I will not relent in my pursuit to prove myself to myself. I run in fear from my self but I always return for more abuse. It’s like picking a scab every time it begins to heal.
I have a large capacity for empathy and compassion except when it comes to myself.