If January has been any sort of indicator as to where things are headed I am hopeful. Though the month did not begin with much of an optimistic air things have shifted dramatically thanks in large part to my encounter with a very dark corner of my pain cave followed by my desperate realization that a change in my approach to daily life was no longer an option. For so long I have set booby traps for myself that have effectively gone off anytime things started to look positive for me. If things were looking brighter I would set off smoke bombs to dim the lights and cloud my vision. If I was forming a positive relationship with someone I would trigger incendiary devices that would keep them from getting too close. I have reached a point where I know that I do not want this type of painful existence anymore. It has been with the help of a most powerful book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, that I have truly begun to find myself. This book could not have come into my life soon enough. I only wish that I had found it sooner; but, no more regrets, only gratitude. I will not elaborate on this book too much here but I will say that I recommend that everyone read it. It revealed to me so many ways in which I was not allowing myself the joy that all of us deserve. A month that began dark and bleak has ended with a feeling of clarity that I cannot remember feeling in quite some time.
My running this month has been more solid than at any time since before my ankle surgery. January started with me using my running to distract myself from the pain I was feeling inside but I now feel myself running to get in touch with the fire that has begun to burn in my heart. Part of why I have always loved running is the freedom of being able to go long distances with nothing other than your own two feet, unencumbered by the “stuff” that tends to weigh us down on a daily basis. Now that I have begun a practice of staying present and only focusing on what life is asking me to deal with at the moment, running just makes sense because when I run I am naturally present already. One of the most pivotal ideas that was introduced to me by Tolle’s book was the idea that many of the problems that we think we have are really not problems at all. They are either things stuck in our thinking from our past pain or our future worry. Either way, if we really focus on the now and ask ourselves what problem we are dealing with “right now”, most times the answer is that we do not really have a problem “right now”. When I find myself in a state of negativity or worry now I find it most helpful to right the ship by asking myself what real problems exist before me, if any. Upon the realization that things are okay a sense of calm and clarity is almost immediate as the negativity and worry fades into the background noise. I think part of the reason I have always loved nature and animals is that they are perfect examples of the beauty of the present. Tolle points out that animals always live in the now. Nature exists in the now. Things exist as they are right now. This is why animals and nature are so beautiful because when we truly tap into them we automatically feel the light and the joy that are so apparent as a result of this state of being always present. It is truly a gift that, in itself, should make us all savor the miracle that it is to be alive.
When I really focus on the smell of sage and pine, or the sound of crackling ice underfoot, or the glow of the moon from behind the clouds, or the taste of salt in my mouth from the beads of sweat rolling down my cheeks I am ever present as I run across the landscape that mother nature has placed before me to enjoy. This is life. Nothing additional is necessary. This is all that is needed. This is love. To be floating lightly along like a cork on the ocean surrendering yourself and accepting what life is giving to you. This is the way that I am choosing. I am putting down the baggage that I have carried for so long and freeing up my arms to receive what life wishes to give to me. I can already feel my fire burning brighter as I pull the dark curtains aside and let the oxygen in.
Running from myself 