I really do love shit to be difficult. I do not get much satisfaction out of overcoming easy obstacles. This is not always the most admirable approach to life; though for so long I thought it was. You can give me two paths that lead to the same destination and I will generally take the one that is full of boulders, wasps nests, and rattlesnakes over the gentle and nicely groomed one. Maybe this is because I know there will be less humans on the gnarly path and I will have a quieter journey to be alone with all of the noise in my head. Or maybe it is the recovering Catholic in me that still yearns for self deprecation and abuse. I often find myself getting annoyed when I am running on the trails somewhere and I am in the vicinity of a group of runners or hikers shouting to one another at the top of their lungs as if they are afraid of what the quiet will bring. They relish what they refer to as their “outdoor voices”. I see their outdoor voices as a mechanism to block out the inner voices that scare the shit out of them; like a night light for those afraid of the dark. I do not often run or hike with other humans but when I do it is with a close friend who understands that we do not have to incessantly chatter to appreciate one another’s company as communication takes place in so many ways other than verbal. That being said, I have started to understand the importance of muting the chatter in my own mind, the incessant talking that forms the background noise in my head. I have finally found something difficult that I have chosen to avoid for so long and that is the act of slowing down the dialogue that occurs within myself almost nonstop. I have grown so accustomed to this noise that I thought it was normal. I thought that a mind that was always on was to be admired; however, after all of these years I am seeing that it is more akin to a runaway rollercoaster with explosives in the front car. You know that it is not going to end well and you want to jump off but there does not every seem to be a good time to take the leap to safety. So, you just :white knuckle it and hope for the best. I know the voice in my head and we have had a relationship for as long as I can remember. It does not like to be shut out as it has always had center stage. Unfortunately, this voice has not always had my best interests in mind and oftentimes it has made me reactive and combative with the subtle and baseless storylines constantly streaming into my cerebral studio. I have had a blind faith in the things that this voice has repetitively droned on about for so long because I felt that it was innate and therefore essential to my well being. Come to find out, I have been misled. It feels like I have been in solitary confinement for decades and suddenly the door is thrown open and I am seeing daylight for the first time. It is both very painful and very uplifting at the same time”. It hurts to come to the realization that you have missed out on so much joy because your “best friend” has locked you away in a dark hole for years so that you would not experience something better and leave them behind. You have hurt others in your life because there was no way they knew something that your partner in crime didn’t. If anyone told me anything to the contrary of what my internal confidante was preaching, then it must be false, and they must have a hidden agenda to sabotage me. Alarms sound and defenses go up so as to repel the intruders trying to get close and make me perceive myself to be any different than the portrait painted by my own mind. I recently read a quote which deeply resonated with me and this idea of self sabotage. It said that “the greatest sources of our suffering are the lies that we tell ourselves”. I think I read this back to myself about ten times, each time louder and with more emphasis; almost as a challenge to my internal orator that was suddenly feeling a bit threatened in a position that it has held a firm tenure for so very long. Yes, at some point everyone must learn to adapt with the demands of self preservation or be put out of commission altogether.
I am finally trying something difficult that I have not wanted to do for so long and this is to learn to love myself and fight for myself. I never had a problem jumping in front of a bullet for a friend but this has often been a result of not feeling any need for self preservation. If a fire was burning down a structure that I was working on renovating I would not hesitate to turn myself into ashes to try and preserve it even though such an act would be forgotten in a years time, or less. What I am finally realizing is that for years I have thrown my heart to others leaving none for myself because I felt it was wasted on me. The end result is isolation and confusion wondering why your heart is no good. Nobody wants it. It is like a hot potato. This always led to further misery and self loathing. What is wrong with my love? Well, a little birdy came along recently and tweeted into my ear a simple secret. Gregory, until you respect and love yourself your heart will always be questionable currency and rejected. Honestly, being by myself scares the shit out of me and this is because I have made things so difficult. I have seen a shimmering glow that has revealed a little secret to me. I need to “Keep it simple stupid”!!! Break out the bellows and blow on the fire internal so that others will gather round and desire your warmth. If you are a cold and dark body people will stray away in search of warmth.
I will keep it simple and breath for now…
Running from myself 