Searching

(This was written in December of 2019; however, it could have been written in December of 2020)

I need to preface what is to come my saying that I am very grateful for modern medicine and surgical techniques. To be able to be in and out of the hospital within a few hours for ankle surgery is pretty darn incredible. I guess what I was not really prepared for was the recovery time that has followed, even though all in all that has been relatively short and of course I knew that there would be some down time. Surgery was on May 15th, 2019 and the last month and a half has seemed like eternity. I don’t recall ever being so locked down and sedentary at any time in my life. I am not much of a couch potato and have trouble sitting through a movie over 2 hours long. So the first two weeks of being non weight bearing was a new experience for me. The pain was certainly not that bad after the first week. The surgery involved them going in arthroscopically with insertion points on the top right and left of the top of the ankle bone and cleaning up the mess that was there and stimulating the area of the bone where the cartilage had been compromised and then inserting some new cartilage.
Everything went as expected; however, the doctor did say that given the nature of the damage and with my line of work and my passion for spending hours on end on the trails he gives me another five years or so before I will have to get full ankle replacement surgery. The hope is that I can keep that as far into the future as possible but I won’t say that I am going to stop working or running as they go hand in hand. The last few weeks have truly underscored how running is an integral part of who I am and how I cope with the world. Unlike other forms of exercise trail running gives me an escape. It allows me to detach myself from the things that annoy me on a daily basis and be alone with my thoughts in such a way that I can come to terms with what I am feeling and temper the anxiety and depression. I really did not understand how therapeutic running has been until I once again began to feel victim to the smothering weight of my headspace over the course of the last month. Having lots of time to think is great as long as you have the tools to work with your thoughts in a constructive manner. This time on my ass has given me lots of time to lose myself in other passions that I have been neglecting such as math and physics. I have had time to reunite with subject matter that I have always found stimulating and that I truly enjoy but do not always get to expose myself to with the regular routine of life when going about my normal schedule with work and running all of the time. This time has given me much needed perspective in the importance of balance in life and striving to incorporate those few things that you are really passionate about in life in such a way that one or two do not block out the others creating voids..
But here lie in wait the demons just looking for that opportunity to ambush and reveal my obsessive and self deprecating personality. Immersing myself back into subject matter that I find stimulating, such as math, I am quickly reminded of how rusty I have become with the books collecting dust on the shelves over the years. With this realization comes that voice in my head that says I am a buffoon because I forgot how to do multivariable calculus or simple linear algebra problems. Then the depression soon follows with the what ifs. What if I had only continued on to get my masters or Ph.D., maybe things would have been different and I would have found true fulfillment in academia instead of what I find myself doing today.
The best I can explain it is to imagine you are in a tunnel that continues to get smaller and darker as you move along. No, you cannot turn around and go back out the way you came in because your dark thoughts keep shoving you forward into the stifling dark cave that is your mind. Trying to throw logic or reason at it does no good because any attempts are rejected by the surrounding impenetrable shield of dark thoughts. It is scary what comes to mind when I find myself in this dark tunnel.
Running gives me the tools to continually flush out the bad thoughts and keep the tunnel clear so that is does not confine me in a stagnant feeling of helplessness and despair. It gives me a renewed sense of hope and strength that helps to balance what life has to throw at me. I cannot begin to explain why I am wired the way that I am. I have so much to live for.  I am surrounded by wonderful furry creatures that provide joy regardless of how bad the day has been. I have a roof over my head and money to buy food and so many other things that we often take for granted that so many do without on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the way my brain chemistry works, the dark voices in my head are always there to remind me that I do not deserve any of these things. I know that what they say is toxic bullshit. I know that I have compassion and that I have the ability to be a good person and to be empathetic and caring. Why it is such an uphill battle to give myself some love has always been a mystery to me. This is why I have always chosen paths in life that seem to be the most difficult and unattainable. I am not afraid of failure because I expect myself to fail. I want to try things that will prove to myself that I am worth something if I do manage to overcome. When I got straight A’s growing up it was never enough, I was still a failure. When I was a Boy Scout I worked to attain Eagle Scout but that wasn’t enough. When I got my choices of college admissions back I easily chose West Point figuring that this would finally make my father proud of me. It did for a short time until I decided that I wanted to be a US Marine instead. At that point I lost him forever, but for a short time found for myself some self worth. That is until I found drugs and alcohol. When I finally found my way back to the classroom I chose physics as a major as I perceived this to be the true test of my merit. When I put running shoes back on I couldn’t stop at the marathon distance, I had to shoot for running as long and hard as I could. The point that I am trying to make is that I am always searching for something that will prove myself to myself. I am not sure at this point that my search will ever end…

I have always been one to be easily disturbed by disorder and inhumanity in the world. It bothers me to see us all treat each other so bad. It bothers me that so many have so little. It bothers me that others tell me that these things shouldn’t bother me or that I shouldn’t get so wrapped up in all of the disorder that I cannot do anything about even though this is probably true. I am bothered. When I grind over miles of mother nature I am able to quiet the noise and come to terms with the disorder and make myself just a little bit uncomfortable and try to empathize with the millions of others who are living lives of constant discomfort and struggle. When I am one with nature it is pure. I am not a disappointment. I just have to be present. This is her only request. Be present. Don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow, just be present. Don’t be concerned with those people or things that you cannot change but have enough fortitude to move forward and make efforts count where you can. Immerse yourself in my bounty of natural wonders and forget the rest. She tells me that she will always be there for me even when it feels like no one else is. All I have to do is set my feet down into the earth and be present. I don’t have to destroy myself to look for some sign of life or substance. I am never too complex for her. Never a let down. I just have to show up and follow her lead.

The healing has to come from within. There is no magic pill. No amount of reassurance from others will end the search. I have to come to terms with myself one way or another and be content and at peace with my small presence in this universe. The closest that can I come to this sense of peace and contentment is when I am out dampening the trails with my sweat. I find it when I am bringing myself to a point of extreme physical exhaustion and discomfort. Maybe it’s my way of atonement to satisfy my Catholic upbringing. Whatever it is, it works. The physical discomfort and mental methods required to get through a hundred mile trail run seem to sedate the dark voices and keep them tucked away for a time. There is something basic and beautiful about trail running where I am alone with nature overcoming the physical elements that she has in store for me and in return she shares with me all of the raw beauty that she has to offer. When you are witness to this kind of beauty you do not feel want for anything else, things are good. I feel the same way with the language of mathematics. There is no deception or judgement. There may be a failure to understand but that is not due to deception, it just takes a bit more effort to uncover the beauty that has always been there for all of time. I think Bono explains the feeling best in his lyrics for “Where the Streets Have No Name” I do hope that I will run again soon and I will be okay with the world again.

Most of the time it is best to stay present and not meander back into the past. I will admit that I have a tendency to do just this. I think it may be because my journey was taken so haphazardly through the past that I left many things unfinished and in doing so it left many unanswered questions in its wake. These questions do not seem to go away, but it is pointless to give them any consideration because they are questions that can never be answered.  Having a question that does not have an answer can be one of the most frustrating things that we as thinking beings face in life I feel.
The energy found in nature cannot be duplicated in a gym setting. The colors and other stimuli that I receive when I am out running on the trails are nowhere to be found in the stale and stagnant air of any gym. Trying to get some essence of a workout to calm my need for running in nature is almost as depressing as not working out at all.

It could have been worse, but it could have been a whole lot better also. Let me wallow for a while. So many times I feel that I am not strong enough to carry on. It is an act of forward momentum that I find myself throwing myself ahead to see how I measure up. So many I interact tell me that I am not seeing what others see. I am so grateful for such comments but I am and always will be the critical voice that I find necessary to measure up to. I get tired but I will not relent in my pursuit to prove myself to myself. I run in fear from my self but I always return for more abuse. It’s like picking a scab every time it begins to heal.
I have a large capacity for empathy and compassion except when it comes to myself.