So, much has taken place since my last post in March. So much that these words are just now being blown into the public space though they were written two months ago. That being said there was a feeling or a shift in energy that tickled the hairs on the back of my neck as if to signal that change was coming. I can only imagine how it must feel to be a caterpillar on the verge of breaking through its chrysallis to become a butterfly or a baby bird frantically trying to emerge from its birth shell. Is there some bit of reluctance to leave the comfort of the known for the unknown? Or, is there a panicked desire to bust through to the outside world to explore all of that which is unknown.
Often when I find myself in periods of transformation I have visions of such a metamorphasis. Excitement merged with intense anxiety. I am not sure what it is that I am thinking but I know that it is something cathartic. The intensity is of such a high pitch that my heart is all a flutter. There is nothing more peaceful than the presence of an animal breathing softly next to me with the gentle scent of its feet wafting through the surrounding air. For me it is like a therapeutic aromatic cutting through the toxicity of the daily life.
When the misery and pain comes it comes without remorse. It is a always a deluge not concerned with my unpreparedness to react to its ferocity. It is not a matter of whether or not it is fair or just; it just is. There is little to be done to alter the course of events that are flooding into my surrounding space other than to choose the best possible reaction so as to mitigate the outcome.
I am here now, in this place at this time in space and I will do what I have to to survive. Whatever it is that my environment wishes to place upon me. As I run along a new trail I am just at the whim of what is to come and how I react to the unknown. It does not matter how well I slept the night before, what shoes I am wearing, or how I am feeling. How I react to what comes before me at that very moment and how present I am is what matters. It is just that simple.
Most often things do not happen just as you would like them to. The universe does not give a shit about what is convenient for your life plan. We get upset or depressed because life is unfair but it is much more important to us than to anyone other than us.
Yes, some may feign concern or they may actually care somewhat ; but in the end it is up to us to genuinely care about ourselves. This is not the task of anyone else as they have themselves to care for first and foremost. So why is it so difficult to care for ourselves in a way that we wish others would care about us. We get so tied up in knots when we consider how others perceive us based on our warped perceptions and projections. So fucked up and so contorted indeed. The insanity is in our face and yet we still do not see it, or if we do, we are in such a state of outright denial that we choose to avoid that which is obvious. If there is no problem we create one; because, without a problem life is too easy and we cannot arm ourself with excuses. This is the same reason why soap operas are so popular. People love their drama. If it is not there we create it. The answers are there before us but we turn our backs to them. Even in the most beautiful circumstances we weigh ourselves down with nonsense so as to feel grounded when all we really have to do is to shed such trivialities and walk naked across the earth. If we could just stop the noise and focus on the simple truths
I have recently read a quote that nicely expresses how I often feel. “Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things”, Kahlil Gibran. I am often reluctant to share precious moments with others as it is only natural that they may have a reaction or expression that unintentionally tarnishes the experience or the deep emotional feelings that I have experienced from the moment. If I do feel like sharing such moments it is only with another who I feel a deep connection with.
Just recently, over the last couple of months, my life has evolved in a way that I can only refer to as healing and long awaited joy. I have found a job working with other like minded and passionate individuals in a beautiful setting with beautiful animals and grand landscapes. I suddenly feel as if the winds have shifted and I have found my place of harmony and healing. My burden feels much lighter and the energy much more positive. I feel like the noise has finally been brought down to a level that makes the inward focus on healing possible and living life something that I actually want.
Running from myself 