We are in a new year that in many ways feels quite similar to the year that has just passed. It is no big surprise that changes do not occur overnight, not even at the transition of one year to the next. That is not how things work.
I recently posted a piece of writing that I put down over a year ago. It took me this long to post it because I have been hibernating in my pain cave feeling sorry for myself for much of the time since then. Much has happened and yet much has not. My heart does not recall ever feeling as heavy and fragile as it has this last year. I am slowly starting to get off of my hands and knees and bring myself forward towards the light, any source of light.
For my immediate needs I have been focusing on getting my running legs back as this has been a tried and true method of staying upright and giving myself just enough armor to protect myself from the daily elements. I have been putting more effort into quieting the toxic voices that have had their razor sharp claws embedded in my brain matter for as long as I can remember.
2020 was not nice to anyone. For some it was their last year and for each of those persons there were many others that suffered and grieved because of their loss of a beloved member of their love sphere. For many others that have “survived” 2020 there is the daily struggle just to make ends meet. Or if they were fortunate enough to survive the virus they are still not finding themselves to be the person that they were before getting sick. So much heartbreak and sadness I have almost been too ashamed to be posting anything as I know that I have so much to be grateful for. However; I need to write and express what thoughts are swirling around upstairs so that I can heal and so that hopefully I can help others out there who are struggling with depression.
2020 was a year that I made the decision to uproot myself from everything that I had known for over 2 decades. I had this hope that I could somehow get a grasp on the toxicity that has been coursing through my veins and neural pathways for so long that it had become all to comfortable and my normal. I was desperate and hoping that this last ditch effort of planting myself in new soil would help to flush out these toxic roots and help me to nurture new shoots. Not unlike a cactus my growth has been slow and often my new shoots present themselves in such a menacing and protective way that outsiders keep their distance. So, it can be lonely. This loneliness that results is often like a vacuum that stunts my attempts at further growth. It feeds my sense of panic and fear that I will exit this world alone, unloved, and unfulfilled. I refuse to allow this! I know that I am not ready to give up the fight yet. I know that the love needs to blossom from inside for myself for light to shine on me. I know deep down that I am a good person with a big heart and that I do have much love to give. I know that I have to begin with myself
Though I know that my running is just a temporary fix for a much deeper wound, it is a pill that gives me just enough incentive to start another day and continue to look for peace and enlightenment. I have been putting forth a good amount of effort in the last few months by listening to the advice of those around me that care for me, by reading the words of those who have been where I am, and by looking for the little gems around me that prove to me that there is much to be grateful for if I just open my heart and allow the love in. As I continue on this mission of healing I feel that I am digging through heaps of pain and casting it aside as I search for the wounded me that has been too afraid to come out for fear of being belittled, disregarded, and abandoned. I need to find this version of me so that I can coax him out from the darkness and into the light allowing us to find hope and love for ourselves so that we can truly heal.
The digging is necessary, the difficulty of the work comes with things that you find when you dig up the past. If you dwell there too long, shit gets nasty. The key is to acknowledge it for what it was and is no more and bury it for good. You do not need it anymore. It is work that I must do and that only I can do. It is my past and my shit after all. It is not easy but the good stuff never comes easily. It is a long and sometimes scary and lonely process with many ruts, roots, and pitfalls to put me face first into the dirt. So I will continue to get back on my feet and move forward because there are many who are unable to.
Running long distances provides me with the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts and the pain and discomfort to remind me that I am still very much alive and that I have many things to be grateful for.
I know that I am a bit prickly and sometimes a difficult spirit to be around. I have scars and sensitivities that many do not feel comfortable dealing with. I often surround myself with the pure innocence of animals and mother nature because I find myself to be most present when in their company. I feel accepted unconditionally and shrouded with love, understanding, and a timeless patience for all that is me. I never feel judged or dismissed. I am perfectly imperfect in their eyes. I know that as long as I have their company I will never be truly alone regardless of how long it is only my footprints on the trail.
The opening to the cave is very steep, very easy to fall into but very difficult to exit. It is like trying to claw your way up a hill composed of styrofoam peanuts and fine dust, the harder you try to climb up and out the deeper you are sucked back down.
Sometimes it is like a thick sticky mud filled with devils thorns that cut you as you try to escape until you cannot handle the pain anymore and just allow yourself to slide back into your cold, dark niche of misery. But as you sit in the darkness there is just enough light off in the distance that you know you have to keep trying. Eventually you will make it and when you are bathing in the light that has eluded you for so long you will know how strong you are and you will know a love that is true. Just because it is hidden from you does not mean that it is not there. I will find my way to the light and I will allow myself to grow and love in its beauty.
Running from myself 